When a Survivor You Care About is Choosing to Return to an Abusive Partner

By Christine Murray

Supporting someone you care about who is a survivor of an abusive relationship can be deeply challenging, especially if they are considering or decide to return to their abusive partner. Similar challenges might arise if the survivors has left their previous abusive relationship, but they seem to be entering a new one with the potential for patterns of abuse. These situations can leave supporters feeling confused, hurt, and unsure of how to respond. This blog post offers considerations for navigating these complex emotions and situations while maintaining healthy boundaries for your own well-being.

Acknowledge Your Feelings

An important first step is to recognize and honor your feelings. It’s natural to experience a range of emotions, such as confusion about why someone would return to an abusive relationship, sadness for the potential harm they may face, frustration if your support feels ignored, and anxiety about their well-being. These feelings are valid, and it’s important to find healthy ways to process them.

Consider:

• Talking with a trusted friend or counselor
• Journaling your thoughts and emotions
• Practicing mindfulness to stay grounded

Processing your emotions allows you to respond thoughtfully rather than reacting immediately out of frustration or anger.

Take Time to Reflect

Remember that you don’t have to figure out how to navigate this situation immediately. Allow yourself time to think through your approach and avoid making hasty decisions. If you’re planning to communicate your concerns to the survivor, consider drafting a message or jotting down your thoughts beforehand. Revisiting and revising your words can help ensure that your message is compassionate and clear. It’s wise to pause and take time to reflect on whether and how you’d like to address your concerns with the survivor. 

Understand When Intervention Is Necessary

While it’s so important to respect survivors’ autonomy, there are situations where intervention may be required, such as:

• Imminent danger to their safety or the safety of others
• A crime being committed
• Concerns about the safety and welfare of children, elderly individuals, or adults with disabilities who are involved

In these cases, you may need to contact local protective services or law enforcement. Familiarize yourself with the legal requirements in your area to take appropriate action if necessary.

Respect Their Autonomy

In most cases when there is not legal mandate for supporters to get involved, survivors’ decisions are their own to make, even if you don’t agree with them. This means honoring their boundaries and remembering where their choices end and yours begin. As difficult as it may be, recognize that survivors are capable of making decisions for their own lives, even if those decisions might lead to further challenges in their lives. At the same time, remember that you also can be empowered to honor your own well-being and boundaries in terms of how you decide to respond, as I’ll discuss in more detail below. 

Communicate With Compassion

If you choose to share your concerns with the survivor, aim to do so with kindness and clarity. For example:

• “I’m worried about your safety if you return to this relationship.”
• “It hurts to think about you being in another situation where you might experience harm.”

You can also set boundaries for your involvement. For instance:

• “If you decide to return to this relationship, I won’t feel comfortable being around your partner. We’ll need to spend time together separately without your partner being around.”

Communicating your concerns in a compassionate manner helps protect your well-being while maintaining a connection.

Honor Your Own Boundaries

It’s okay to take a step back from your relationship with the survivor if the situation becomes too overwhelming or unhealthy for your own well-being. This might mean limiting contact for a while or refraining from discussing the relationship. Your self-care is so important, and creating distance doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them. Instead, it allows you to show up as your best self when you’re ready.

Keep the Door Open

Abusive relationships often involve cycles of leaving and returning. If you feel comfortable doing so, even if you need to take a step back from the relationship temporarily, let the survivor know that you’re there for them should they need support in the future. Avoid judgment or saying, “I told you so,” if they decide to leave again. Instead, focus on being a safe and supportive presence for them, while also caring for yourself in the process.

You might also periodically check in with the survivor, even if you’ve stepped back. A simple message of care can remind them they’re not alone.

Final Thoughts

If someone you care about is returning to an abusive relationship, remember that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. Supporting a survivor in this situation is rarely straightforward, but by respecting their autonomy, setting healthy boundaries, and keeping the door open for future support, you can navigate this challenge with compassion and care.