Understanding Abusive Relationships

By Christine Murray

You’ve probably heard the saying, “Children should come with an instruction manual.” The same could probably be said for romantic partners, friends, parents, work colleagues, and pretty much anyone else you interact with regularly. Life would be a lot easier if we did have an instruction guide to provide steps for navigating the people and relationships in our lives! 

Most of us receive relatively little formal training or education on how to build healthy relationships during our formative years, as healthy relationship education is not widely offered in our elementary, secondary, and even college-level educational systems. This lack of education is especially problematic when we encounter relationships that are chronically difficult, toxic, or abusive. 

If you are in a position to support someone through an unhealthy or abusive relationship that they are experiencing, you might be confused about what to say and do. Our Source for Survivors Pathway for Supporters Blog is here to be a resource with blog posts and information to help navigate many of the difficult aspects of being a supporter (whether personally or professionally) for someone who is a survivor of a current or past abusive relationship. In today’s post, we’re going back to basics to offer some initial insights into the dynamics of abusive relationships. This background information can provide a foundation for anyone in a position to offer support to survivors who are involved in an abusive relationship currently, or who are on the long-term healing journey after an abusive relationship ends. 

Differentiating Unhealthy, Toxic Relationships from Abusive Relationships

A helpful starting point is to explore the different types of unhealthy and toxic relationships and to see how abusive relationships are different from other types of unhealthy relationships. In many cases, you can best identify unhealthy relationships of any kind by the way they feel--uncomfortable, hurt, confused, manipulated, or devalued, among other painful emotions. 

There are many different forms that toxic relationships can take, and a general definition of an unhealthy, toxic relationship is a relationship in which the negative interactions override the positive ones, and the relationship has consistently harmful effects for at least one person in the relationship. 
    
All relationships--even healthy ones--experience some negative interactions. Conflict is a natural part of all relationships, and in fact, a complete absence of conflict may be another form of toxic relationship if people are ignoring differences and problems and allowing them to fester. In truly unhealthy, toxic relationships, there is an overriding sense of negativity, such that the relationship feels draining, and it may even feel hopeless that a better relationship could be possible.
    
Often, unhealthy, toxic relationships are the primary result of one person’s harmful behaviors toward the other person. However, both parties in an unhealthy, toxic relationship may contribute equally to the negative dynamics. When both parties in a toxic relationship engage in unhealthy, hurtful behaviors, both parties can experience harm. 
    
There are a lot of overlaps between toxic relationships and abusive relationships. We could even say that all abusive relationships are unhealthy and toxic, but not all unhealthy, toxic relationships could be considered abusive. With abuse, however, one person (i.e., the abuser or perpetrator) in the relationship is consistently using tactics to gain and maintain power and control over another person (i.e., the victim/survivor). These power and control dynamics are a key element that sets abuse apart from other forms of unhealthy, toxic relationships. It is the power and control dynamics that are the defining feature of abusive relationships.   

Both unhealthy, toxic relationships and abuse share features in common, including that they lack a sense of emotional safety, there are harmful effects for the individuals on the receiving end of the toxic or abusive actions, and all of these negative interaction patterns should be taken seriously. If you are questioning whether an unhealthy toxic relationship you or someone you care about is experiencing is abuse, reach out to a local abuse support agency (e.g., a domestic violence agency), a national hotline (e.g., the National Domestic Violence Hotline, https://www.thehotline.org/), and/or a trained mental health professional in your area for more support and guidance for your unique situation. 

Why Do Abusers Abuse?
    
Often, we may assume that most people are doing the best they can given the insight and skills they possess and the life circumstances they are facing. My personal belief is that there is a relatively small percentage of people who are intentionally harmful and destructive toward others, although it is important to acknowledge that people like that do exist. That said, we can’t always assume that others are acting with our best intentions in mind. I believe it’s wise to be very cautious and avoid assuming positive intentions among people who have demonstrated abusive patterns of words and behaviors.
    
People act in abusive ways in relationships for a variety of reasons, but generally, it boils down to a motivation to gain and maintain power and control over their intended victim. To some extent, it is helpful to try and understand why someone may be acting in an abusive manner However, remember that whatever the origin of a person’s abusive behaviors, all people have a right to be treated with dignity and respect by others in all areas of life, just as each of us also has a responsibility to treat others with the same dignity and respect. 

While different factors may be influencing a person’s harmful behaviors, these factors do not give them permission to make others miserable. If you are supporting a survivor of a current or past abusive relationship, remember that their emotional and physical safety are the top priority, regardless of any potential motivations behind their abuser’s actions. 

Key Takeaways about Abusive Relationships
    
If you’re a supporter of a survivor of abusive relationships, know that you can play an important role in offering them valuable help and encouragement as they navigate any challenges they experience due to the abuse. By better understanding the dynamics of abusive relationships, you can best position yourself to offer informed help, especially given the complexity of abusive relationships. 

I believe strongly that everyone has a right to safe, healthy relationships in all areas of their lives. Unfortunately, some relationships do not live up to this standard, whether they are unhealthy and toxic or if they are abusive. Understanding the potential qualities of unhealthy, toxic, and abusive relationships can offer a foundation for supporting survivors because this knowledge can help you meet survivors where they are along their healing journey. Here are a few key takeaways from this post:

• An unhealthy, toxic relationship is a relationship in which the negative interactions override the positive ones, and the relationship has consistently harmful effects for at least one person in the relationship.
• In contrast to more generally unhealthy, toxic relationships, abusive relationships involve underlying power and control dynamics. 
• Understanding the motivations behind an abuser’s harmful words and actions can be helpful at times, but ultimately a survivor’s emotional and physical safety is the most important consideration at all times. 
• Everyone has a right to safe, healthy relationships in all areas of their lives.  
• Help is available. A couple of key resources include the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the 988 Lifeline. Please visit the Other Resources section of this website for additional resources.