Dating Someone with a History of Abuse: Taking Time to Build Trust and Understanding

By Christine Murray

As Valentine’s Day approaches, we’re continuing our two-part mini-series on dating in the aftermath of abusive relationships. Last week, we shared insights for survivors interested in dating again. Today, we’re focusing on another perspective here in the Pathway for Supporters Blog: What to consider when you’re dating someone who has experienced an abusive relationship.

If you’ve recently started dating someone and learned they have a history of being in an abusive relationship, you might feel a mix of emotions—interest, care, and possibly nervousness about navigating this dynamic. It’s natural to wonder how their past experiences might influence your relationship and how you can be supportive. This post offers some insights on approaching this situation with understanding, patience, and respect.

See the Person, Not Just Their Experience

First and foremost, remember that your partner’s history of abuse is just one part of who they are. Like anyone, they’re shaped by a unique mix of positive and challenging life experiences. Resist the temptation to make assumptions or draw conclusions based solely on their past experience of an abusive relationship. Instead, focus on getting to know them as an individual—including their interests, values, dreams, and personality.

Their experiences in an abusive relationship may inform some of their perspectives or behaviors, but they don’t define them. Approach your relationship with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand and appreciate the whole person.

Create a Safe and Supportive Space

If your partner shares their history with you, thank them for trusting you with that information. Let them know you’re open to hearing more, but respect their boundaries and timeline. Survivors often have personalized preferences for whether and how to talk about their past—some may want to discuss their experiences, while others may prefer to focus on the present and future.

Ask them how you can best support them. A simple question like, “Is there anything you’d like me to know or do to support you?” can go a long way in showing your care and thoughtfulness.

Avoid Stigma, Shame, or Blame

Many survivors of abuse carry feelings of internal and external shame due to their experiences. It’s essential to approach this with sensitivity and avoid any words or actions that might suggest blame or judgment. Be mindful of your attitudes and ensure your interactions reinforce the fact that they are not at fault for the abuse they experienced.

Educate Yourself About Abuse Dynamics

Taking time to learn about the dynamics of abusive relationships can help you better understand your partner’s past experiences and reactions. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline provide valuable insights into the patterns of power and control that characterize abusive relationships. While this knowledge is helpful, remember that every survivor’s experiences are unique. Avoid making assumptions or projecting generalizations onto your partner’s story.

Practice Healthy Relationship Skills

Building a healthy relationship benefits everyone, but it’s especially important when dating someone with a history of abuse. Focus on qualities like open communication, reliability, respect, kindness, and honesty. If you’re not in a place to consistently offer these qualities to a romantic partner, consider taking time to work on yourself before pursuing a new relationship.

Be clear about your intentions, and approach the relationship with sincerity. Creating a safe, supportive space for your partner helps both of you develop trust and emotional security.

Recognize Your Own History

While your partner may have a history of abuse, it’s worth reflecting on your own experiences as well--and it’s possible you also have experienced unsafe or unhealthy past relationships. Consider how your past challenges or relationships have shaped you and how they might influence your current connection. Sharing your own story in time, when appropriate, can foster mutual understanding and support.

Avoid Harmful Behaviors

Certain behaviors can harm a survivor’s healing journey and erode trust. For example, avoid:

• Judging or labeling your partner as “damaged” or “problematic.”
• Using their past against them in conflicts.
• Rushing them to share their story before they’re ready.

Instead, focus on creating a respectful and caring foundation for your relationship.

Embrace Growth Together

Relationships grow and evolve in unique ways, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to building a healthy connection with someone who has experienced past abuse. However, kindness, patience, and mutual respect are universal essentials.

As you navigate this new chapter, remember that your relationship is a journey. Take the time to get to know each other, build trust, and explore your shared goals and interests. By prioritizing a safe, supportive context for your relationship, you’re laying the groundwork for a meaningful and fulfilling connection.

For more resources on fostering healthy relationships, explore the Healthy Relationships Initiative that I’ve developed with my colleagues to find other tools designed to support couples in building positive, lasting connections.