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By Christine Murray
Supporting someone you care about who is a survivor of an abusive relationship can be deeply challenging, especially if they are considering or decide to return to their abusive partner. Similar challenges might arise if the survivors has left their previous abusive relationship, but they seem to be entering a new one with the potential for patterns of abuse. These situations can leave supporters feeling confused, hurt, and unsure of how to respond. This blog post offers considerations for navigating these complex emotions and situations while maintaining healthy boundaries for your own well-being. Acknowledge Your Feelings An important first step is to recognize and honor your feelings. It’s natural to experience a range of emotions, such as confusion about why someone would return to an abusive relationship, sadness for the potential harm they may face, frustration if your support feels ignored, and anxiety about their well-being. These feelings are valid, and it’s important to find healthy ways to process them. Consider:
Take Time to Reflect Remember that you don’t have to figure out how to navigate this situation immediately. Allow yourself time to think through your approach and avoid making hasty decisions. If you’re planning to communicate your concerns to the survivor, consider drafting a message or jotting down your thoughts beforehand. Revisiting and revising your words can help ensure that your message is compassionate and clear. It’s wise to pause and take time to reflect on whether and how you’d like to address your concerns with the survivor. Understand When Intervention Is Necessary While it’s so important to respect survivors’ autonomy, there are situations where intervention may be required, such as:
Respect Their Autonomy In most cases when there is not legal mandate for supporters to get involved, survivors’ decisions are their own to make, even if you don’t agree with them. This means honoring their boundaries and remembering where their choices end and yours begin. As difficult as it may be, recognize that survivors are capable of making decisions for their own lives, even if those decisions might lead to further challenges in their lives. At the same time, remember that you also can be empowered to honor your own well-being and boundaries in terms of how you decide to respond, as I’ll discuss in more detail below. Communicate With Compassion If you choose to share your concerns with the survivor, aim to do so with kindness and clarity. For example:
Honor Your Own Boundaries It’s okay to take a step back from your relationship with the survivor if the situation becomes too overwhelming or unhealthy for your own well-being. This might mean limiting contact for a while or refraining from discussing the relationship. Your self-care is so important, and creating distance doesn’t mean you’re abandoning them. Instead, it allows you to show up as your best self when you’re ready. Keep the Door Open Abusive relationships often involve cycles of leaving and returning. If you feel comfortable doing so, even if you need to take a step back from the relationship temporarily, let the survivor know that you’re there for them should they need support in the future. Avoid judgment or saying, “I told you so,” if they decide to leave again. Instead, focus on being a safe and supportive presence for them, while also caring for yourself in the process. You might also periodically check in with the survivor, even if you’ve stepped back. A simple message of care can remind them they’re not alone. Final Thoughts If someone you care about is returning to an abusive relationship, remember that your feelings are valid, and it’s okay to prioritize your own well-being. Supporting a survivor in this situation is rarely straightforward, but by respecting their autonomy, setting healthy boundaries, and keeping the door open for future support, you can navigate this challenge with compassion and care.
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By Christine Murray
As Valentine’s Day approaches, we’re continuing our two-part mini-series on dating in the aftermath of abusive relationships. Last week, we shared insights for survivors interested in dating again. Today, we’re focusing on another perspective here in the Pathway for Supporters Blog: What to consider when you’re dating someone who has experienced an abusive relationship. If you’ve recently started dating someone and learned they have a history of being in an abusive relationship, you might feel a mix of emotions—interest, care, and possibly nervousness about navigating this dynamic. It’s natural to wonder how their past experiences might influence your relationship and how you can be supportive. This post offers some insights on approaching this situation with understanding, patience, and respect. See the Person, Not Just Their Experience First and foremost, remember that your partner’s history of abuse is just one part of who they are. Like anyone, they’re shaped by a unique mix of positive and challenging life experiences. Resist the temptation to make assumptions or draw conclusions based solely on their past experience of an abusive relationship. Instead, focus on getting to know them as an individual—including their interests, values, dreams, and personality. Their experiences in an abusive relationship may inform some of their perspectives or behaviors, but they don’t define them. Approach your relationship with curiosity and a genuine desire to understand and appreciate the whole person. Create a Safe and Supportive Space If your partner shares their history with you, thank them for trusting you with that information. Let them know you’re open to hearing more, but respect their boundaries and timeline. Survivors often have personalized preferences for whether and how to talk about their past—some may want to discuss their experiences, while others may prefer to focus on the present and future. Ask them how you can best support them. A simple question like, “Is there anything you’d like me to know or do to support you?” can go a long way in showing your care and thoughtfulness. Avoid Stigma, Shame, or Blame Many survivors of abuse carry feelings of internal and external shame due to their experiences. It’s essential to approach this with sensitivity and avoid any words or actions that might suggest blame or judgment. Be mindful of your attitudes and ensure your interactions reinforce the fact that they are not at fault for the abuse they experienced. Educate Yourself About Abuse Dynamics Taking time to learn about the dynamics of abusive relationships can help you better understand your partner’s past experiences and reactions. Resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline provide valuable insights into the patterns of power and control that characterize abusive relationships. While this knowledge is helpful, remember that every survivor’s experiences are unique. Avoid making assumptions or projecting generalizations onto your partner’s story. Practice Healthy Relationship Skills Building a healthy relationship benefits everyone, but it’s especially important when dating someone with a history of abuse. Focus on qualities like open communication, reliability, respect, kindness, and honesty. If you’re not in a place to consistently offer these qualities to a romantic partner, consider taking time to work on yourself before pursuing a new relationship. Be clear about your intentions, and approach the relationship with sincerity. Creating a safe, supportive space for your partner helps both of you develop trust and emotional security. Recognize Your Own History While your partner may have a history of abuse, it’s worth reflecting on your own experiences as well--and it’s possible you also have experienced unsafe or unhealthy past relationships. Consider how your past challenges or relationships have shaped you and how they might influence your current connection. Sharing your own story in time, when appropriate, can foster mutual understanding and support. Avoid Harmful Behaviors Certain behaviors can harm a survivor’s healing journey and erode trust. For example, avoid:
Embrace Growth Together Relationships grow and evolve in unique ways, and there’s no one-size-fits-all approach to building a healthy connection with someone who has experienced past abuse. However, kindness, patience, and mutual respect are universal essentials. As you navigate this new chapter, remember that your relationship is a journey. Take the time to get to know each other, build trust, and explore your shared goals and interests. By prioritizing a safe, supportive context for your relationship, you’re laying the groundwork for a meaningful and fulfilling connection. For more resources on fostering healthy relationships, explore the Healthy Relationships Initiative that I’ve developed with my colleagues to find other tools designed to support couples in building positive, lasting connections. |
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