5 Steps for Helping Someone Who is Involved in an Abusive Relationship

By Christine Murray

The See the Triumph campaign, which is now a resource managed through The Source for Survivors, is a long-term, research-based campaign to develop supportive resources for survivors of abusive relationships and to end the stigma surrounding abuse. My Co-Founder (Dr. Allison Crowe) and I launched See the Triumph in 2013, and one of the all-time most popular resources we developed through the campaign was the following infographic, “How to Help Someone Who is Being Abused by an Intimate Partner”:

Because this resource is consistent with our Pathway for Supporters Blog and the other resources we share through The Source for Survivors for supporters of survivors, I wanted to share this resource here, as well as share some additional thoughts on why these 5 tips are so powerful. 

Here’s a summary of the 5 steps:

• Do not judge them.
• Ask them what kind of help they would like for you to provide.
• Know your limits.
• Offer to provide practical support that will promote their safety.
• Tell them they deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and love.

Below, I’ll share a few additional points about each of these ways that supporters can offer support to victims and survivors of abusive relationships. 

#1: Do Not Judge Them

It’s natural to feel confused or upset when someone you care about stays in an abusive relationship. However, it’s vital to avoid judging their choices. From the outside, it’s nearly impossible to fully understand their reasons for staying or the complexities of their situation. 

While it’s difficult—especially if you’re emotionally invested—judgment can create distance and make it harder for them to open up. Instead, focus on being a supportive, nonjudgmental presence. This approach shows them you value and respect their perspective, creating a foundation for trust and understanding.

#2: Ask them what kind of help they would like for you to provide.

When helping someone in an abusive relationship, start by asking what kind of support they need. While it may seem straightforward, this question can feel daunting—you might worry about offending them or fear your help will be rejected. Their request may surprise you; for instance, they might ask for childcare for a job interview rather than assistance leaving the relationship. 

Trust their judgment, as they usually understand their situation best.

If they decline your help, resist the urge to impose advice. Instead, let them know you're available if they need support later. In some cases—like when lives are at risk or mandatory reporting is required—intervention may be necessary. Seek professional guidance whenever possible in such situations. Empowering them by respecting their choices fosters trust and ensures they know help is available on their terms.

#3: Know your limits.

Supporting someone in an abusive relationship is challenging and requires understanding your 
own emotional, knowledge, and physical limits.

It's natural to feel sadness, fear, or confusion when helping a loved one in an abusive situation. Acknowledge these feelings and prioritize your emotional well-being. Reach out to friends, family, or a counselor, and practice self-care strategies like exercise, meditation, or journaling. Maintaining your emotional resilience helps you provide consistent support without burnout.

If you're unsure how to help, seek guidance from local professionals or resources like the National Domestic Violence Hotline. They can provide advice and direction while maintaining confidentiality. Additionally, assist your friend in navigating local support systems, recognizing this process can be overwhelming for them.

Protect yourself by understanding the abuser’s potential threats, such as access to weapons or previous violent behavior. If providing direct help, like offering shelter, assess whether it could compromise your safety. When imminent danger arises, contact law enforcement or domestic violence hotlines to ensure everyone's safety.

Knowing and respecting your limits empowers you to offer meaningful support while protecting your well-being. Remember, prioritizing self-care strengthens your ability to help others effectively and sustainably.

#4: Offer to provide practical support that will promote their safety.

Offer to help connect the victim or survivor with local community resources that are available to help promote the safety of people impacted by abusive relationships. This may include a local or national crisis hotline, a domestic violence agency, or legal and advocacy resources. This may also include resources to support their mental health, financial well-being, and other logistical or practical supports, such as helping them to connect with job training resources or offering to keep a copy of important documents that they may need to have readily available if they need to make a quick exit from their relationship or home.

Visit our Source for Survivors Other Resources Page (https://www.sourceforsurvivors.info/resources.html) as one way to begin identifying resources that may be helpful. 

#5: Tell them they deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and love.

One of the most powerful, yet seemingly simple, ways you can support someone who is experiencing abuse is by reminding them that they deserve to be treated with dignity, respect, and love. Survivors of abuse often endure not only physical or emotional harm but also consistent verbal and psychological degradation that can strip them of their self-worth. By offering affirmations of their value, you can help counteract the negative messages they receive from their abuser. 

Simple statements such as "You matter," "You deserve respect," and "You are worthy" can serve as reminders that their worth is inherent, regardless of what they've been told. While we may not be able to erase the damage caused by an abuser, we can help rebuild their sense of self through unwavering support and compassion, fostering their strength and resilience in the process.

Conclusion

In conclusion, supporting someone in an abusive relationship can be a complex and emotionally challenging experience, but by offering a foundation of nonjudgmental understanding, practical help, and consistent affirmations of their worth, you can make a meaningful difference in their journey toward safety and healing. 

It's important to recognize the strength it takes for someone to navigate such a difficult situation, and as a supporter, you have the power to offer the compassion and respect that can help rebuild their sense of self. Remember that your role isn't to "fix" their situation, but to provide meaningful support in the ways that you are able, create a space for them to make their own decisions, and help them they know they are not alone. 

Note: Portions of this blog post have been adapted from previous posts that I wrote for our See the Triumph campaign’s Collection: How to Help a Friend.